Come on Irene

This morning I woke up to some blood and small gushes of clear fluid. I freaked out a little, because it would be just my luck to start going into labor as a huge hurricane approaches. I paged my doctor's answering service, and some doctor I don't know said if I have additional leaking to let her know but to stay home for now.

I haven't leaked again, and I haven't been having any contractions, but mostly I am reluctant to go to the hospital because if I do, I will definitely be stuck there till Monday even if it's nothing, because the hurricane will be here by the time they decide not to admit me.

So I'm going to wait it out, make lasagna, watch Battlestar Galactica, and if this baby decides to come, the doorman is going to have to deliver this baby. Yay for google-searching "how to deliver a baby".

1 CM dilated, 80% effaced

Still only 1 CM dilated, but 80% effaced, so that's something.

I wish someone had told me that in the days before labor, you experience constant little contractions that feel like you need to crap all the time. I spend too much of my day thinking, "Is that a contraction? Or do I need to poo?"

Other things to know about pregnancy/labor -- check out the following terms:

Lightning crotch
Bloody show
Ring of Fire
Blowout

These are actual terms that describe things that are and will happen to me over the next week or so.

Balanced diet

One way not to gain 40 lbs in less than a year is to not bake entire desserts for yourself and eat them.

Yellow cake:



I left a bite because they say portion control means leaving some on your plate.

Blueberry pie:

I don't have an after picture of the pie because I think I may have also eaten the pie dish, the counter on which it sat, etc.

One Giant 8x8 Brownie:



It did take me a number of days to eat each one, but I did it like a freaking champ.

They say it's temporary

One of the awesome conditions you can develop during pregnancy is urinary incontinence. Unfortunately I sneeze pretty often. There has been an abundance of "achoo! .... f*ck" going on because I have peed myself a little. I may sneak some pampers from the nursery and stick them into my pants. After all they are essentially maxipads for teeny people.

1 cm dilated

The doctor and I battled again today, and I am almost 1 cm dilated. "I can almost get one finger in there," she said. Ew.

It is such a pain to get up once I sit down. I need someone to be my bitch until I give birth. Someone to bring me water, the remote control, cut my toenails, etc. Any volunteers? In exchange you will have my marvelous fat company.

My arms are too short

Actually, my stomach is too big. I can't reach far down enough to cut my toenails. So I just sit and stare at my toenails. Will someone please come cut them? Please?

Clueless

I took a class on how to care for newborns. There was one couple whose baby I feel sorry for, because its parents are forking retarded and will probably make the baby retarded. The instructor told us to change the baby's diaper before and after each feeding, because chances are the baby has done a pee or a doodoo. These geniuses asked, "if the baby hasn't gone, should we still change the diaper?" Oh my dumbasses. I fear for that child.

Va-hee-nahs

I was watching some labor videos online and I realized that I can add another thing to my "Things I am Really Scared of" List. That would be: giant vaginas. (Shudder.) They look like huge crevasses that expert hikers fall into and die in, because the crevasses extend for miles and miles of darkness and no one can ever find them.

My doctor checked me for the first time yesterday, to see how my cervix was doing. "I'm gonna use two fingers!" she announced before she Went In. And that sh*t freaking hurt. I grabbed the sides of the bed thing I was on like I was on one of those mechanical bulls, and for a second we were locked in a battle -- her hand up my va-hee-nah trying to reach my cervix and my va-hee-nah clamping down on her hand and saying nooooo you shall not pass. It shan't be happy when it has to pass a small human in a few weeks.

Speaking of va-hee-nahs, I need to schedule a waxing. I don't know what is scarier, a giant V with hair sprouting from it, or a giant V that you can see with absolute clarity because the hair is gone. I figure the latter gives better visibility/is more hygenic and is slightly less gross for the doctor and nurse, who are going to be the only people who will see my V. Everyone else in the room is going to be by my head with strict instructions not to look at my V. Jonker will probably stare at the ceiling the whole time anyway. In any case, getting waxed when you are very pregs is an exercise in complete trust. Like when you have to let yourself fall backwards into someone else's arms, hoping they will not let you fall on the ground. I have to trust the waxing woman when she says the lines are even or straight, because I for sure can't see anything past my stomach.

Adult Bibs

I need one. Have you ever tried to eat food with a big ball on your lap? Try not to spill anything on that. Sadface.

Help me Rhonda

I look 53 weeks pregnant and have gained 38 lbs so far. I am well on my way to exceeding the recommended weight gain for people of my size.

I feel like 7 lbs is an excessive amount of weight gain for 2 weeks, and may indicate pre-eclampsia but my OB-GYN didn't seem to think anything of it and my blood pressure is normal. So that means I am not sick, just extremely fat. Also the baby is estimated to be about 5.5 lbs, so the fatness is all me, and not the baby.

I put on a maternity shirt yesterday and it was TOO SMALL. The swelling in my legs and feet is getting excessive, to the point where it's difficult to walk because I can't get one thigh past the other thigh without creating a friction force of near infinity. I have ankle rolls. I have trouble squeezing my feet into flip-flops. Putting pants on requires some acrobatics and precise swinging of the pants onto my feet because I can't bend down far enough to grab them with my hands. When I have to get up from the couch I have to wiggle to the edge of the seat and prepare myself physically and mentally, so that I can lift the great weight that is my body to a standing position. In bed, whatever position I happen to fall in when I get in is the position I have to sleep in, because I can't roll myself to another position.

Oh the joys of bringing another life into the world.