Va-hee-nahs

I was watching some labor videos online and I realized that I can add another thing to my "Things I am Really Scared of" List. That would be: giant vaginas. (Shudder.) They look like huge crevasses that expert hikers fall into and die in, because the crevasses extend for miles and miles of darkness and no one can ever find them.

My doctor checked me for the first time yesterday, to see how my cervix was doing. "I'm gonna use two fingers!" she announced before she Went In. And that sh*t freaking hurt. I grabbed the sides of the bed thing I was on like I was on one of those mechanical bulls, and for a second we were locked in a battle -- her hand up my va-hee-nah trying to reach my cervix and my va-hee-nah clamping down on her hand and saying nooooo you shall not pass. It shan't be happy when it has to pass a small human in a few weeks.

Speaking of va-hee-nahs, I need to schedule a waxing. I don't know what is scarier, a giant V with hair sprouting from it, or a giant V that you can see with absolute clarity because the hair is gone. I figure the latter gives better visibility/is more hygenic and is slightly less gross for the doctor and nurse, who are going to be the only people who will see my V. Everyone else in the room is going to be by my head with strict instructions not to look at my V. Jonker will probably stare at the ceiling the whole time anyway. In any case, getting waxed when you are very pregs is an exercise in complete trust. Like when you have to let yourself fall backwards into someone else's arms, hoping they will not let you fall on the ground. I have to trust the waxing woman when she says the lines are even or straight, because I for sure can't see anything past my stomach.