I am a manatee

I got weighed again today. So far I have gained about 31 lbs. I say "about" because I didn't get weighed the first time until I was a couple of months pregnant so it's possible I have gained more than 31 lbs.

I took a picture of myself today:

Actually this is a more accurate representation, with respect to my face:



I am not going to name any names, but I saw someone a few days ago and that someone smiled at me and said, "You've gained weight." I smiled back and didn't grab that smiley mouth with both my hands and wrap it around her head. I am learning to be Patient and keep the violence in my head. I'm sure this will prove helpful as a parent.

The doctor commented that as far as she could tell I was measuring normal, and that I could get a growth scan in a couple of weeks to take a closer look at the Jeefling. I said, "is it possible to have a 31 lb. baby? Because it would be nice to go down to my original weight right after labor."

She looked at me like I was Extremely Stupid. "No, you don't want a 31 lb. baby." I looked at the ground. "Yeah, you're right. I don't." I hate you.

Are you coming to clean my gigantic poo?

Help

This fetus is trying to bust out of me the wrong way. Little nudges and pokes inside have turned into whopping 360 degree kicks and board breaking. How do I tell it to go towards the light? If this keeps up...

it will not end well.


I guess it's getting pretty tight in there, and the baby has decided to take my inner organs and stack them neatly out of the way in the corner. I can see unidentifiable body parts pressing against my stomach and moving around, and there is nothing more distracting when you're trying to watch an old episode of Bones and your t-shirt starts flapping up and down by itself. It's FREAKING ME OUT.

Argh the freaking heat

It's like 300 degrees outside today. I almost died on the way from the Columbus Circle subway stop to Wendy's. That's a distance of like 2 blocks. I stopped for provisions and continued my way to the office (another 7 or 8 blocks) which is usually a frozen mecca. (Think Narnia and the White Witch, who cursed the kingdom with winter for one hundred years. I am the ridiculous looking faun-human-associate.) But not today. It's still freaking hot in here.

I don't know if it is a fat person thing or a pregnant thing, but this fetus-growing experience makes me hot all the time. My feet used to be like little icicles year-round, but no longer. I now grow sweat spots in the places where only fat men grow sweat spots, like the crease between their man-boobs and stomach.

Looking as hot as the Hoff


I can cuddle with the bickster only for short periods of time before we part in mutual disgust at the unholy heat generated between us. Right now I'm hiding behind my desk because I have to hide my fat-man-sweat-spots until they dry. The thought of having to venture outside again to go home makes me want to cry fat sweaty tears.

The White Witch lets us take 2-4 weeks of short term disability before the due date, depending on when the doctor says you can or should no longer work. I used to wonder what about late stage pregnancy would render a woman unable to work, short of an actual medical condition like preeclampsia. Now I know: fat man sweatiness.

OMFG it's a baby.

I'm starting a new blog because sometimes I just like to chuck everything out and start anew. Mr. Mewkersons and I used to move from apartment to apartment this way, leaving all sorts of furniture in our wake because it was just easier to leave it there than cart that sh*t to a new place. Yeah, we're frickin lazy.

Anyhoo, Mr. Mewkersons and I are having a baby. See infra:

Hello, little Mewkersons.


It is strange to me that you need to pass a test to drive a car, but anyone can have a baby. Every electronic device I've ever purchased comes with a very long and detailed instruction guide, with pictures and an index. From what I hear, babies arrive completely naked, no batteries or accessories or how-to guide included.

I don't know how to take care of a baby, because that subject was not covered at school or in my SAT or LSAT prep books. I've ordered a bunch of books and and google things like "what do newborn babies wear" on a daily basis, but I am not confident that that will get me that 800 if you know what I mean.

Helpful diagram


I learned two weeks ago that babies are not supposed to eat peanut butter, in case they have allergies. How am I supposed to have known that? My life experience dictates otherwise -- for instance, Nikklebikkles loves peanut butter, as do I. Sometimes we hang out on the sofa and eat spoonfuls of peanut butter together (if we are sharing a spoon, I get to go first). So this baby may not survive for very long. Particularly if my history with plants and pets more sensitive to lack of water, food and general care are any indication. I once killed a cactus by accident. That's not easy to do. Bichons apparently are very hardy, despite their delicate appearance.

More peanut butterz plz?


I'm at 33 weeks as of today, which leaves me 7 more weeks to learn about babies and watch the rest of Friday Night Lights on Netflix. Go Panthers!