My hair is trying to eat my face

Pregnant women don't lose as much hair as they do when not pregnant. I forget why, but their hair grows very thick. After they give birth, they lose the hair relatively soon after. I didn't notice my hair doing anything different, until a little while ago when I saw these little baby hairs growing around my hairline. I suppose they are growing to replace hair I lost. Except now with the humidity, the hair is sticking to my face, creating a nice fringed look. Which would be great if I were a leather jacket, or a pair of moccasins. Unfortunately, I just look like a hairy faced woman.


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Mom groups

I went to a mom group that met at a Whole Foods. It was okay except for the fact that it was 95 degrees outside and I couldn't feel any A/C and I was melting onto the chair.

I also saw a lot of boob. A few moms were breastfeeding their babies, and I kept on turning to them as they whipped out their nipples. I am a fan of breastfeeding, and doing it in public (everyone has a right to eat in public and not be told it is disgusting or, better yet, sexual (if you find the act of feeding a baby sexual, you have some weird fucking problems), and it is a protected activity under NY state law) but seeing nipple was an ACK! surprise.

I was not staring at your nipple on purpose. And nor was I staring.

I know in detail what the ceiling fans in the WF cafe area look like now.


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The next time

I get unsolicited advice from strangers about my baby, I'm going to shove my fist up their bunghole.

Today some lady yelled, "that baby needs a hat!" as she sped through a red light on her bike.

First, no she fucking doesn't need a hat.

Second, you need a gag for your mouth. You need to mind your own business. You also need to observe traffic laws, and you ran a red. May you get backed over by a truck and the city overlook it per their usual way.

I thought of a lot more to say but she can bike faster than I can put words together.


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Workers' comp

I have none, since I have no job, but how about the government cover injuries incurred by parents in the course of nurturing their children?

In the past few weeks, I have been repeatedly whacked in the forehead, stabbed in the eye, punched in the nose, and today, slapped in the face by my little princess. The slap in the face was weird because the other times, she was swinging something around or trying to grab something and accidentally gouged me in the face. But this time, I was lying back on the sofa with my eyes closed, Yanni playing on the iPad, getting my old person groove on, when she just reaches over and SMACK! I opened my eyes and looked at her, and she had this mean "Don't F with me" on her face. Or it might have been a "I hate Yanni, turn that F-ing shit off" face. It's difficult to deal with, because I have never spent more than 15 minutes alone with a child before I had V, and my instinct is to hit back. Of course I restrain myself, but my arm wants to go flying.

In case you skimmed all of that and only focused on "hit back", I DO NOT HIT MY CHILD.
But I do munch on her arms and legs.

Daycare

All I can say is, barf. For the amount that these places charge, I am tempted to open a daycare of my own. I would be rich. Also, are people really able to pick their kids up by 6 pm? Wherever they work, I would like to work there.

Where is the remote?

I hate it when V cries in her crib. It's so hard to hear the tv.


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Honking

V used to be a very mellow baby. Not anymore. Now she whines constantly. Because she has developed opinions and had no problem expressing them. Good lord. It's not even a wah wah noise. It's honk honk. Like a freaking goose.

I'm on the commode, door open. She drags herself around the corner, going honk...honk!

I go to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Hysterical honkhonkhonkhonk.

I lovingly caress her face while she is playing. It sounds like a million geese have been shot in the foot. HOOOOOOONK!!&@$?!

Do bark collars for dogs work on babies? Just kidding. I have an old muzzle I can try. It's more humane.


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