Haiku 3

She thinks it's funny
to screech and scream in my ear
what a dick move, right?

Off topic: SAG awards

The SAG awards are coming up, according to the big black box that sits in the living room and rules my life. They are awards "for actors, by actors". So essentially if I were an actor, these awards would be "for me, by me". Who the hell thought of this? It's a tad narcissistic, no? And people wonder why so many actors have their heads up their asses, and why Mark Wahlberg said he would have been able to stop 9/11 had he been on one of those planes (headshake, sigh).

And it's not like there is some famine in actor award shows that inspired a need for the SAG awards. There are a lot of other awards shows for television and movies:

Golden Globes
Academy Awards
BAFTA
Emmys

These people cannot stop congratulating each other or themselves.

I don't watch any of these award shows, because I think they are bizarre. "You pretended you were someone else very, very well, so we are going to give you this statuette while millions of people across the country watch." Why? Why don't we also have the Awesome Doctor awards, for awesome doctors who save little kids from cancer? Or Awesome Architect awards, for awesome architects who build things like the Louvre and shit? I guess I don't understand why actors and acting are so important that they need to be hugely celebrated every couple months. It's not fair.

That is why I would like to announce the Great Jeezmommy Awards, which I am hosting tonight! Right now!

Your host is the beautifully and elegantly attired Jeezmommy. And down the red carpet comes the only nominee for the Great Jeezmommy Awards, Jeezmommy!

Host Jeezmommy: "Jeezmommy, you look wonderful! I love those UGGs, very slimming!"

Nominee Jeezmommy: "Well thank you Jeezmommy! I am just so excited to be here. I love you all, my wonderful fans!"

Hundreds of Jeezmommies in the audience wave excitedly at Nominee Jeezmommy. One of them faints and is carried away.

Host Jeezmommy: "Well let's do it! Our nominee for the Great Jeezmommy Award is Jeezmommy. And let's see who won!"

Nominee Jeezmommy bites her lip anxiously.

Host Jeezmommy: "And the winner is...Jeezmommy!"

Nominee Jeezmommy screams and jumps up.

Winner Jeezmommy takes the stage: "Thank you all so very much. First and foremost, I want to thank Jesus, my Lord and Savior. Woop to the man above! And f*ck yeah, I won! I couldn't have done this without the support of me, myself and I. So thank you!"

Bumbo

For those unfamiliar with kiddy contraptions, the Bumbo looks like a giant plastic Dot candy with the shape of a baby bottom carved out of it. See photo infra.

Basically you stick your baby in it when you don't want to hold her anymore.

According to its website, the Bumbo will make your baby totally and completely awesome:

"The seat stabilizes the child into slight hip flexion, placing the pelvis in a slight anterior pelvic tilt which facilitates lumbar extension. This action, combined with the gentle curve of the seat back that matches the natural curve of the rib cage, facilitates the baby around the lower ribs and trunk for stabilization. The Seat allows for active practice of the head and postural trunk control. It also allows a child the pelvic stability needed to get the hands into the midline for play. Upright positioning facilitates an improved visual field of the environment, improved respirations and breath control, assists a baby who needs to be upright after feeding due to reflux and many other benefits."

Well, I dunno about you guys, but the Bumbo makes my baby crap her pants. Every.freaking.time. I stick her in, I walk away, she whines, I return, and a hideously familiar stench hits my face. And it's never a regular poo--it's a hurry-and-fill-the-baby-bathtub blowout. They should add that to the website description. "In addition, regular use of the Seat will encourage and facilitate bowel evacuation and permit the child to be poo-free (on the inside)."

Haiku 2

grasping my eyelid
she twists the delicate skin
I yell ow!; she cries

A Haiku

soft, yellowy green

the scent of it sears my nose

damn she pooed again

Fatherly Instinct

Imagine you are the father of a 4 month old baby. And you are walking up to your apartment door, when you see a pair of dirty white socks, about the length of your forearm, laying in the hallway. Would you pick them up with your bare hands, walk into the apartment and try to hand them to me?

Yeah. So that happened.

I made some sort of "Aahhewwwgaaahh" sound and told him to put the neighbor kid's socks back where he found them and wash his hands immediately. He gave me the "how would I know" look. I dunno, how about, I don't leave our stuff hanging out in the hallway, and our baby doesn't have giant ass feet?

I'm too sexy for real clothes

I've gotten better as of like, last week, but when you have a little baby in the house that doesn't really let you sleep or shower and on occasion projectiLe vomits into your boob cavity (the gap between your boobs and your bra), they idea of wearing real clothes and getting dressed for the day falls by the wayside.

Exhibit 1:


Yes, that is a maternity dress over sweatpants and UGG slippers. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

Pros of being an infant

I was leaning over the precious child, my face hovering above her stomach. We were bonding! Oh lovely bonding. Then she smiled and lifted her legs in the air on either side of my head and FAAAAARRRRT.

Thanks child. Love ya lots.