In the beginning of parenthood, this is all helpful. You are assured that poop should be that color, that your baby is not the only one projectile vomiting on you, and repeatedly shaking their head at 7 months old is not a sign of autism (yet). You check how you and your baby are doing against how everyone else is doing. And it's really all a matter of whether they are eating enough, peeing and pooping enough and sleeping enough.
As the babes grow a little older, the more complex milestone tracking begins. Are they holding their head up? Are they tracking you with their eyes? Do they respond to your voice? And the brag reports start coming in. "My baby smiled at me for the first time today!" "My baby rolled over!" Then the questions/concerns follow. "My 2 month old hasn't laughed yet. Is something wrong?" "My 4 month old falls over when I prop him up into a siting position. Is he developmentally delayed?" The questions sound a little ridiculous to the non-baby-website devotee, but when 324 moms who have a baby that is the same age as yours happily proclaim that their 9 month olds are walking and you look over at your baby and she is on the floor on her stomach spinning herself in a circle because she hasn't figured out how to propel herself forward, you can't help but worry.
Pianos are for eating. Right?
The worst is when you post a concern that your baby is not doing something and ask for suggestions on how to encourage them to do it, and someone responds: "My baby has been doing that since she was 2 weeks old!" Objection, nonresponsive. Also, this is not your forum to brag, bitch! Way to allay my worries. Also you are a liar. At 2 weeks all babies are little puddles of squishy and don't do shit.
But this is where the kiddie competition begins. At birth. It's a little insane and horrible, but you can't help but to become absorbed in it. You buy that baby sign language book and sign words to her all day. You get
the baby Einstein and leapfrog toys that will develop the foundations of her future geniushood. You read message boards that argue ferociously about whether cow milk or almond milk is the best milk for your child once she turns one. I mean, what the fuck is almond milk? Do almonds have udders? It becomes a little bit of a rat race and sometimes when I am signing "milk" to Violet and she just farts in response, I wish we lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere in another century instead of worrying whether she is going to turn out to be high school drop out Asian car model because I let her watch television and she has fallen off the bed three fucking times so far. And once off the couch. Apparently It takes four times for me to learn my lesson.
And this is only the beginning. Next it will be toddler gym classes, music lessons, tennis lessons, honors and AP courses. So that she can grow up, go to a good college, graduate school, get a good job that pays a lot and then quit so that she can maintain her sanity. Like moi!
I kind of hope she becomes a painter. Or an acrobat.
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