The night before labor/delivery

I went to get my haircut for the first time since August P.V. (pre-Violet) yesterday, and talking with my haircutter/dresser/stylist reminded me of the night before I delivered and how contrary it was to my expectations.

I was admitted around 7 or 8 pm, and by the time I was actually put in a room, it was around 10 pm. The lights were nicely dimmed, the bed had the blankets turned down, and the only thing missing were candles and chocolate on the pillow. I was ready to settle in! Then my doctor came in and said, "we'll start your pitocin (magic stuff that accelerates contractions) now." "Now?" I said. "We're not going to wait till morning?" I am not sure what I expected, but I guess I thought this was like a hotel, for a work trip, where I would typically get in on the last flight of the night, go to sleep on a nice fluffy bed and start work the next morning. What's the rush? I got an "Um, no" in response, AKA "where do you think you are, a hotel? This is a hospital stupid."

I got in bed, and they stuck me with a needle the size of a watering hose, through which lots of stuff in bags dripped into me. They also slapped on the fetal monitors, which are basically two little discs that they wrap around your stomach to monitor heartrate, and the blood pressure cuff. After the nurse tightened the last strap, she said, "Everything ok?" I said, "Yes, great. Can I go to the bathroom now? Wait, do I have to bring all this shit with me?"

Note: Try to go to the bathroom before they tie everything on you, or else you will need to be helped out of bed and wheel half of the room machinery into the bathroom with you.

I settled back into my bed, and I noticed the blood pressure cuff tightening by itself. Ah, automated cuff, how sweet. It got tighter, and tighter, AND TIGHTER ANDTIGHTERANDTIGHTERANDTIGHTER. "WTF IS THIS!!!???" My sister, Dr. anesthesiologist, said, "yeah, that will happen every 15 minutes or so to make sure your pressure is ok". OK, wonderful, thanks for checking little cuff, but there is no reason why you have to squeeze that tight. It sort of feels like someone is slowly closing a car door on your hand, and they press it harder and harder and harder, until the door clicks shuts. On your hand. Totally unnecessary.

There was also a lot of beeping from the various machines that were attached to me. Why, who knows, because it's not like they could be heard by the nurses on call, who were monitoring from outside of my room. Only I could hear them. At 3 am. While I was lying in the dark trying to prepare for a human to rip out of my body.

Then the nurse came in to check on stuff at regular intervals. Checking on what exactly? I don't know. Maybe she was just walking in and out of my room for the hell of it. "Does your monitor say what I see that it says on monitor outside? Yes. Good. See you again in 30 minutes."

I think I fell asleep a little after 3 AM, and woke up around 6 AM, because Hurricane Irene was being a real loud bitch outside. Then all of a sudden, it was 9 AM, and time to have the baby. I got the "last chance to review your purchase before you place your online order" feeling, and the rest is history.