Off topic: SAG awards

The SAG awards are coming up, according to the big black box that sits in the living room and rules my life. They are awards "for actors, by actors". So essentially if I were an actor, these awards would be "for me, by me". Who the hell thought of this? It's a tad narcissistic, no? And people wonder why so many actors have their heads up their asses, and why Mark Wahlberg said he would have been able to stop 9/11 had he been on one of those planes (headshake, sigh).

And it's not like there is some famine in actor award shows that inspired a need for the SAG awards. There are a lot of other awards shows for television and movies:

Golden Globes
Academy Awards
BAFTA
Emmys

These people cannot stop congratulating each other or themselves.

I don't watch any of these award shows, because I think they are bizarre. "You pretended you were someone else very, very well, so we are going to give you this statuette while millions of people across the country watch." Why? Why don't we also have the Awesome Doctor awards, for awesome doctors who save little kids from cancer? Or Awesome Architect awards, for awesome architects who build things like the Louvre and shit? I guess I don't understand why actors and acting are so important that they need to be hugely celebrated every couple months. It's not fair.

That is why I would like to announce the Great Jeezmommy Awards, which I am hosting tonight! Right now!

Your host is the beautifully and elegantly attired Jeezmommy. And down the red carpet comes the only nominee for the Great Jeezmommy Awards, Jeezmommy!

Host Jeezmommy: "Jeezmommy, you look wonderful! I love those UGGs, very slimming!"

Nominee Jeezmommy: "Well thank you Jeezmommy! I am just so excited to be here. I love you all, my wonderful fans!"

Hundreds of Jeezmommies in the audience wave excitedly at Nominee Jeezmommy. One of them faints and is carried away.

Host Jeezmommy: "Well let's do it! Our nominee for the Great Jeezmommy Award is Jeezmommy. And let's see who won!"

Nominee Jeezmommy bites her lip anxiously.

Host Jeezmommy: "And the winner is...Jeezmommy!"

Nominee Jeezmommy screams and jumps up.

Winner Jeezmommy takes the stage: "Thank you all so very much. First and foremost, I want to thank Jesus, my Lord and Savior. Woop to the man above! And f*ck yeah, I won! I couldn't have done this without the support of me, myself and I. So thank you!"