Holy crap

I almost killed my baby twice in the course of two days.

First, she fell off the bed in the middle of the afternoon. I had fallen asleep next to her, and I woke up to "THUD. AHHHH!" Two very bad sounds. She was on her back on the (wooden!) floor. She had a pink spot on her forehead, but I don't really know how she got to the edge of the bed, or how she fell, but there it is. ARGH. I took her fist and made her hit me in the face. Matching red spots!

Second, I was slicing up pears for a salad, and I gave her a chunk. There is a school of baby feeding called baby-led weaning. They don't believe in purees or stuffing the baby's mouth with food. Instead they put the food down in front of the baby, in pieces big enough to grab, and the baby picks up the pieces and sucks on it. I do purees, but I thought, hey let's try. So she's sucking on it, and then she starts coughing. And then making weird MRRRGGG sounds. I realize that the pear is getting stuck in her throat, so I try to think back to my Infant CPR class, and all I can think to do is pick her up, turn her face down and pound on her back. Which is correct, but not helping here. I tell Joe, "she's choking!" He comes over and says, "Well, if she is crying (which she sort of was, while making MRRGGG sounds) then technically she is not 'choking'." Wow, really, are we actually going to discuss whether a partial obstruction qualifies as choking right now? I said, "WTF F*CKING HELP ME!" Then he reached in her mouth and pulled out the pear.

Lessons learned: tie your baby to the bed posts if you are going to fall asleep with the baby on the bed. Or weigh her down with an encyclopedia or something else that is large and heavy. Also, don't ever try new things. Puree your child's food until she is 18.