I want to grow boobies

I was getting dressed and she pretty clearly said, "Mommy, I want to wear a sports bra too."

I am Asian, so I was flat until I began taking the pill in college.

Tangent: whenever my friends started taking the pill, their boobs exploded. I haven't googled this, but I'm sure that it's the extra estrogen, tiny knives or whatever is in the pill that makes this happen. I am surprised that that is not listed as one of the side effects: "Caution. Taking this medication may increase your breast size by a cup or more. On the other hand, you will become very popular with the boys, and t-shirts will look hot on you."

I gained weight (double digits) at work because it was hard to cry if I was chewing. Then I had a baby and for 4 months I looked like a really fat Playboy model. And then my boobs got depressed, and they remain so to this present day. Taking the pill now does nothing, because my body is old. They still look like little frowny faces.

Anyhoo, I remember insisting to my mom when I was 11 or 12 ish that I HAD to get a training bra. My friends were white, and they all had things to put in their training bras. So we went to some store, and I picked mine out. It looked like a bra, but it was thinner than underwear, and the cups were flat triangles. Perfect!

It's very unfair to have to wear the mark of your puberty on your chest, so that every boy in your grade can see for himself if you are developing. Thanks, God, for that. In 4th grade, I once decided to feel my chest from over my t-shirt to see if I could feel any bumps. Unfortunately the whim struck me in the middle of class, and Joel R. with the blood clot in his eye saw me and sang "you were feeling yourself up!" while pointing every fucking time he saw me, and each time I had to lie and yell back, "no I wasn't!".

"you were feeling yourself up!"
"no I wasn't!"
"you were feeling yourself up!"
"no I wasn't!"
"you were feeling yourself up!"
"no I wasn't!"

All 4th graders know that silence is tacit agreement, so I had to respond every single time. Dick.

It would be different if boys also had to wear their parts on their chest. Then the girls could compare whose nads are bigger. And the girls would whisper about the best way to undo a penis cup with one hand, stare at the boys' penis cups and totally ignore their faces and hoot while outlining the shape of a large penis with their hands as the boys scurried away. And then the same man who invented the booby jail would have invented man-bras for men that would go on their penii. And then people in the 50s would have invented penis cup shapes that bore no resemblance to their body parts, like square cups, but were considered more visually appealing. And then people in the 80s would catch onto the fact that a lot of men were stuffing their cups with tissues and socks, and they would have invented padded and push-up penis cups, to enhance men's manhoods. And then people would come up penis cups that swooped lower, to show more penis, and then make cut outs in the fabric, which made no functional sense but was supposed to be alluring because you could see more penis.

Then I could tell Joel R. that his nads were so, so small, and life would be fair.



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